Joke

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- Hello, boy! What's Your name?
- Spot.
- Hm, that's a strange name for a child...
- My parents wanted to have a doggy...

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8 y.o. boy comes to the bar and asks to the barman:
- Sell me the bottle of whiskey.
- Wow! Do you drink this at so young age? - barman is wondered.
- No, that's for my 5 y. o. brother. He's waiting for me at the car outdoors. What about me, I don't drive car drunk...

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There's a poodle (Po.) sitting on a balcony on the 9-th store of a house. Down at the yard there walks the pekingese (Pe.). That was the dialoigue:
Pe.: Hi, You, tufty, come on down to me and play!
Po.: No, snubby, I can't. I am locked at the flat...
Pe.: So what? Then jump down from the balcony! Are you afraid?
Po.: Don't make a fool of me! Do you wanna my muzzle to become the same as yours?!

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The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."
The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the сup before you drink."

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A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." "And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000." "Holy moly! What does that one do?" "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."

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The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say".
The doctor says, "Next, please."

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Dictionary of Musical Terms

JAZZ : Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes. BLUES : Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning. WORLD MUSIC : A dozen different types of percussion all going at once. OPERA : People singing when they should be talking. RAP : People talking when they should be singing. CLASSICAL : Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad. FOLK : Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century. BIG BAND : 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer. HEAVY METAL : Codpiece and chaps HOUSE MUSIC : OK as long as it's not the house next door.

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Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

To get away from the noise.

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The Polar night. Two Eskimo men are dragging the sleigh with the heavy loads. And there're the dogs riding the sleigh, barking aloud and shoting to the sky with the guns. One Eskimo man says to other:
- And this was your own idea to treat the dogs with whiskey!

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Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, somebody puts a swimming cap on me!"