Joke

[nagybela2]

What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!

[nagybela2]

What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!

[nagybela2]

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

[agata_2000]

:d

[agata_2000]

A man had front row tickets behind home plate at the World Series, when another guy comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "Nope", he replied, "that seat is empty".
"Whoah! That's crazy!", said the guy. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series, the biggest day in all of baseball, and not even bother show up?"
Sadly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series we've missed since we got married in 1964."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. What a shame. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
"Nah," the man replies as he shakes his head, "they're all at the funeral."

[agata_2000]

John's not a great golfer - in fact, he stinks. But he's always working on his game, trying to improve. One afternoon, after a typically crappy round of golf, John is interrupted by a police officer as he's throwing his clubs in the car. "Did you tee off on the 17th hole about 20 minutes ago?"
"Why, yes I did officer." John replied.
"Did you by any chance hook your ball over the trees to the left, out of bounds?" asked the officer.
"Yep, I believe I did." John answered. "How'd you know?"
"Well," said the officer in a very serious tone, "Your golf ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a car's windshield. The driver lost control, causing a 5 car pile-up and a small explosion. Three people went to the hospital with injuries. I'd like to know what you're going to do about it?"
John sat there, seemingly saddened by the devastation caused by his errant tee shot. After much though, the he responded...
"I think I'll aim more to the right, close up my stance, tighten my grip and roll my right thumb over a bit."

[agata_2000]

So this pirate walks into a bar, his old favorite - although he hasn't been there in a while. Immediately the bartender notices him and says "Haven't seen ya in a while, where ya been? You look terrible!"
"Huh?" said the pirate, "What do you mean?"
"Oy, you've got a wooden leg! What happened?" said the bartender.
"Well," said the pirate, "Our ship was in a fierce sea battle, and me leg got hit by a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"What about that hook? What happened to your hand?" again asked the bartender.
So the pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook... but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One fine day at sea a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in me damn eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was me first day with the hook."

[agata_2000]

Bill was playing golf one afternoon with his wife, Emma, and hit a nasty slice off the second tee - landing in an impossible lie in front of the greenkeeper's shed. Being helpful, his wife suggested "No need to take a penalty shot darling, just open both the front and back doors and push the tractor out. Then, you'll can hit hit it straight through the shed with a 3 iron."
"Brilliant idea darling!" and with that, Bill took a mighty whack at the ball, which struck the rear of the building - bouncing off and hitting his wife in the head, killing her stone dead.
A few years later, Bill was plahing the same hole with his new wife... and by sheer coincidence landed at the exact same place in front of the shed.
"No need to take a penalty shot," said his new wife, "we can push the tractor out and open both sets of doors. You can hit straight through the shed!"
"No way," he said. "Last time I tried that I ended up with a triple bogey!"

[agata_2000]

H1N1 Virus (Swine Flu) Jokes

• Q: Did you hear about the guy who said he would get sick when pigs Fly.
  A: The Swine Flu
• Q: Did you here about the pig who went on the plane?
  Response you might get: The swine flu (this can be the punch line unless they say it. if so then respond: Are you kidding it can't get on by itself; it needs a carrier).
• I had a glass of merlot last night. I woke up this morning with a cough and a sniffle. I think it's wine flu.
• Someone once said that when a Black man becomes the president, pigs will fly. Sure enough 100 days later.. "swine flew (flu)".

[agata_2000]

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? This is a question that's been at the forefront of discussion amongst the most prestigious scholars and lawmakers of the world. Finally, after getting them all together - the question has been answered.
A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part shall be undertaken by the party of the first part to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part, notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil is observed by the party of the first part throughout.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes seperated from the party of the third part, also known as the 'receptacle', the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part, also known as 'new light bulb'. This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part becomes snug in the party of the third part and in fact becomes the party of the second part.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by said party of the first part, or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do sum the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.