jokes in english

[saga]

Three Hillbillies are sittin' on a porch shootin' the bull.
1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!... She bought an air conditioner."
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"


2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new-fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "'cause we ain't got no plummin'!"


3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! ... I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found six condoms in there."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker.

[saga]

feezin'

[saga]

[saga]

Interesting!!!!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough
sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its

body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
stupidity
and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a
chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone.

[Spanky]

THE PARKING TICKET

I went to the store the other day, and I was in
there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was
a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how
about giving a guy a break?". He ignored me and continued
writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn
tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the
windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I
abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care.



My
car was parked around the corner.

..........................I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

[Spanky]

''It's no surprise Senator John Kerry has become the front-runner for the Democratic Party nomination. With the financial support of his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, he's good at playing catchup.''


I know, I know, it's weak

[saga]

A study at the Universityof Missouri shows that the type of facial
features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon
where she is at in her menstrual cycle. For example: If a woman is ovulating,
she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. If she is
menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man
with scissors jammed in his temple and a bat shoved up his ass while on fire.

[saga]

WELFARE


A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the
counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really
rather find a job."

The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just
got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard
for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big
black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided.
Because of
the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will
also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday
trips.
The salary package starts at $200,000.00 a year with room for
bonuses."
The man said, "You're bullshitting me man!"
The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[csocsike]

Men Wake up as good-looking as they went too bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. :P

[csocsike]

To some its a six-pack, to me its a support Grup