jokes in english

[belamogicz]

[Getz]

The little boy was sitting on the curb crying and an old man who was passing by came over to him.
"What's the matter, little boy?" he asked "Why are you crying?"
The little boy said, "I'm crying because I can't do what the big boys do."
The old man sat down on the curb and cried too.

[Frank-FHI]

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole,
All live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head
Out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
' Yummy! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole,
Sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yummy! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head
Out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
Because the bigger moles are in the way.
This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....

MOL ASSES !

[Frank-FHI]

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm
going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary
got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last
year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are
you doing different this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

[Frank-FHI]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her


husband standing around with a fly swatter.


"What are you doing?" she asked.


"Hunting flies" he responded.


"Oh ! Killed any?" she asked.


"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.


Intrigued, she inquired, "How can you tell them apart?"


"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

[burgum]

Punographics (Phonetic creativity):

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.
Velcro what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[burgum]

(Euro-English: Not new, but still good.)

Absolutely Brilliant


The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

[M. Dénes]

A phone rings in a house and a little boy answers.

Man on phone - Hello.
Little Boy - Hi

Man - Is your Mom home?
Boy - No, she's outside with Daddy.

Man - Oh, what's your Dad doing?
Boy - Talking to the police.

Man - Police? What are they doing?
Boy - Talking to the fire department.

Man - Fire department? What are they doing?
Boy - Directing the helicopter.

Man - HELICOPTER?! Wait a minute...police, fire department, helicopter...what are YOU doing?
Boy - I'm hiding!

[M. Dénes]

The Boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''

''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''

''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

[M. Dénes]

There are 2 blonde women and they are talking:
- Look! I've lost my weight - 5 kilos.
- How did you do?
- I washed my makeup from my face!