jokes in english

[dfeco]

A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious
plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a
bill for $600.
The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make
that much as a lawyer!"
The plumber replied sympathetically, "Neither did I when I
was a lawyer."

[dfeco]

Jerry, a new applicant for the civil service, went to see the
head recruiter of the post office for a job.
"What's you experience?" the recruiter asked. "What can you
do?"
"Nothing!" answered Jerry.
"Good!" said the recruiter, "Then we won't have to break you
in!"

[dfeco]

A man wants to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party.
So he goes to order a birthday cake.
The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "you are not getting
older you are getting better".
The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?"
The man says, Well put "You are not getting older" at the top and You
are getting better" at the bottom.
The real fun didnt start until the cake was opened.
The message decorated on the cake said "You are not getting older at the
top, You are getting better at the bottom."

[dfeco]

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells
him he owes $4.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees
that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers
have paid.
The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the
same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and
tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls
when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You
know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were
drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The
next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the
nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds.
"Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

[dfeco]

A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would
like to make a will but I don't know exactly how
to go about it."
The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."
The man looked somewhat upset as he said,
"Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest
slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children, too!"

[dfeco]

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend,
"I'm a walking economy."
The friend replies "How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of
inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a
deep depression!"

[dfeco]

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the
man was reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, "Here is a great sale on tires!"
His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have
a car."
He says, "Do I complain when you go out and buy a new bra?"

[dfeco]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,
"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I
was down to my last nickel.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day
polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the
apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I
spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm
for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end
of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.

[Spanky]

Old Flame



I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who
this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still
around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild,
romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in
meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said,
'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me.
Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the
challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's
a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing
jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute,

and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to fuck off.

[Krivcsa]

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."