jokes in english

[Spanky]

1 - HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had
made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was
shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he
was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he
made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk,
he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked
him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it
was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing
to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told
him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know
why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I
felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do
with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He
seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to
bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my
surprise he responded to my caress and we made love,
but I still felt that he was distracted and his
thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could
not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with
the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started
crying and cried until I too fell asleep I don't know
what to do I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else. My life is a disaster.


2 - HIS DIARY

Today the Canucks lost, but at least I got laid.

[karibcsaj]

Arkansas State Residency Application

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

[karibcsaj]

12- Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for.....''

[Spanky]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down
her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his
pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush
my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice,
"I have something that I must confess.
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all
right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your
sister, your best friend, her best friend and your
mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you." h34r:

[csocsike]

:rohog cool

[Boszi]

YOU MIGHT BE IN A REDNECK CHURCH IF --

1. People ask, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

2. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and then five guys and two women stand up.

3. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

4. A member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

5. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

6. Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.

7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. Baptism is referred to as "branding".

9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

11. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

13. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?" (banjo accompaniment optional)

[Ditta]

pironkodo :rohog

[Spanky]

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine
the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about
the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I
couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to
meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with
you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when
you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure
I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a
man with a waistband that's a few inches wider
these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being
so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby
bald men were cute. "Anyway", she said, "I've put
on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up on the fat bitch. :evil

[klari]

Originally posted by Spanky@Apr 23 2004, 08:42 AM
So I hung up on the fat bitch. :evil

Where is our usually politically correct Spanky?

Aren't you afraid of the girls?

[Ditta]

Csinaltatok egy T shirt-ot amin a felires azt nondja" Az igaz hogy en kover vagyok, de te ronda vagy! :P :P De en tudok dietazni!!!!! meno meno :rohog