jokes in english

[Guest]

Originally posted by Klári@Apr 23 2004, 03:21 PM

Aren't you afraid of the girls?

csak egy picit,
de nem reagáltak pironkodo

[Spanky]

There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and there was a Traffic policeman behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the copper to catch up with him. The copper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the cop and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought it might be you, bringing her back." The policeman replied, "Have a nice day".

[csocsike]

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?



Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

[Boszi]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
>
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)
>
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
>
4.. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)
>
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
>
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
>
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT
DOWN?
(don't know...... it never happened)
>
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

[Spanky]

Nosey Neighbour


One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbour lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

I took a drink from my can of Canadian, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey bitch and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why SHE cuts the grass."

[Spanky]

This happened in a little town in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true.



This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm. The night was rolling, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door-and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel! The car started to move very slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the wheel.



The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, the guy managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without looking back, he ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet, exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken guy, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech. Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the bar about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing.



Everyone in the bar listened in silence and became frightened, listening to this eerie story; hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling the truth because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk.



About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other "Look, me son, there's the arsehole who got into the car while we were pushing it!"

[Spanky]

Mai lecke az álkeresztényeknek

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the
man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic
pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and
yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move. The woman is going
ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her
steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to
blow the car horn, flips him off, screams profanity and curses at the
man. The man looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through
the intersection just as the light turns red.
The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her
chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she
hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by
a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off
her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at
what is happening. After she shuts offthe engine, the policeman orders
her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he
orders her to turn and place her hands on her car then handcuffs her
and takes her to the police station where she is fingerprinted,
photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the
door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the
original officer is waiting with her personal effects and says,
"I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car
while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Ditta]

meno meno

[lilli]

FADE IN.

Scene opens with a nerdy looking guy in thick, black-frame glasses walking up a street, toward the camera. He carries a cell phone. The phone is held to his ear as he walks.

He abruptly stops. His eyes glance upwards as he poses the question:

NERDY GUY
Can you hear me now?

The NERDY GUY pauses for a moment.

NERDY GUY
Good!

The NERDY GUY takes a few more steps.

He abruptly stops. His eyes glance upwards, and…

We switch views to a dimly lit scientific laboratory. The only light source is from the display panels that pepper the console in front of a LAB TECHNICIAN.

The LAB TECHNICIAN sits in front of a bank of oscilloscopes. He wears a headset that dwarfs his own head. As he sits, he is operating the panel in front of him. He is busily dialing knobs and flipping switches. He reaches for the largest dial and rotates it up to the highest setting, labeled “11”.

The LAB TECHNICIAN leans inward, eyes shifted to the side, as if he is straining after something.

As we listen in to the headset, we faintly hear, along with the oscilloscopes reacting in turn, with a very low yield:

NERDY GUY
…Ksshhh…bzzzzzzzzzzzzt!…ooo…..rr
…..sssshhhhh me… ow?… shhhssss….

The LAB TECHNICIAN seizes the mic on the headset. He shouts into it, with all his might:

LAB TECHNICIAN
YES! Affirmative!

Flash back to NERDY GUY:

NERDY GUY
GOOD!

The NERDY GUY continues to walk.

FADE TO BLACK.

[saga]

The Hit Man!!!!
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course, when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "you're welcome."
They started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight, "said the other friend, "Can I take
a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
He picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house, and said, "Yeah, I can see my house all right.
This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the
bedroom. Ha! Ha! I can see she's naked," he continued.
"What's that? Wait a minute -- that's my neighbor in there with her; he's naked
as well! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man and asked, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate. For you, $1,000 every time I pull the trigger," he replied.
"Can you do two for me now?" the man asked.
"Sure, what do you want?" asked the hit man.
"First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy -- so shoot
her in the mouth," he explained. "Then the neighbor; shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it, or not?" asked the friend
impatiently.
"Just wait a moment," replied the hit man calmly. "If
you're patient,
I think I'll be able to save you a grand here ..."