jokes in english

[Spanky]

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right
here.

[Spanky]

True bravery is defined as, arriving home late after a boys night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask....

"Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

[Guest]

Originally posted by Spanky@Mar 10 2004, 07:59 PM
Unselfish Husband

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified
to find her husband in bed with a lovely young thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband
stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered
her a ride.
She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast
you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you don't
wear, because they're out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore
even once because the color didn't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't
fit into anymore.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,
'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'
"And so, here we are!"

Ez jo volt/ Nagyon okos volt a ki ki talata.

[Guest]

How to get to Heaven

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD

[Ditta]

This morning on the Interstate,

I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked
the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against
the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell
into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the twins
ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers futyul

[Ditta]

Boss: Johnson, we giving you a promotion but you have to move to Montreal. Johnson: Montreal! "Nothing comes from there except hookers and hockey players!" Boss: Listen pal, my wife comes from there! Johnson, without missing a beat replies, "No kidding! What position does she play?"

All The Same

A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down. "What was that for?" the Chinese man asked.
"That was for Pearl Harbour!" the Jewish man said. "Pearl Harbour? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!" "Oh!" They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground.
"What was that for?" the Jewish man asked. "That was for the Titanic!" "The Titanic? That was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same."

Flight From London
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,"I need to get up and get a beer". "Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you". As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too". Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it too. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes...... pissing in beers?"

Poor Skunk

There was a man and his wife walking down the road on their way home. The wife saw a baby skunk laying in the grass, so she decided to take it home and take care of it. On the way home they came up to a river. The wife, concerned for the skunk, asked her husband what to do with the skunk so he doesn't get wet. The husband replied: "well, stick him up your dress". The wife, again concerned, asked: "what about the smell?". The husband replied: "awww, he'll get use to it."

Bowling Tournament

Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team, down below, is whooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
"What's going on up here?" asks the brunette. "We're having a great time downstairs!" "Yeah," screams a terrified blonde, "but you've got a driver!"

A Week Back On Earth

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tyre, somewhere in North Dakota."

Sex On The Beach

A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love with his wife. No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching us. You are right, lets go to the beach. After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman run into them. Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public. You are right - said the husband - but it was a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me. Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. After finishing, they then made off for home. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You."

Wedding Anniversary

Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right, 3 times..." "3, hmmm, well when were they?" "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan... Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well..."
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you... Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well...." "Oh my God!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, , you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3? "Well, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation.... And you were 47 votes short...."

Republican and Democrat

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:rohog meno :rohog :rohog

[Spanky]

Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila arguing
about how tough they are.

The first mouse says, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to
eat the rat poison." He slams down his tequila and looks at the second
mouse.

The second mouse replies, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a
mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & bench-press the killer
springed tripwire." He slams down his tequila and looks at the third
mouse.

The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his stool and begins
walking away from the bar.

The other mice scream, "Oi! Softy!, where do you think you're going?!

The third mouse replies, "Home to shag the cat."

[Spanky]

Quote from Chris Rock:

"You know the world is going crazy when the best
rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, and the tallest
guy in the NBA is Chinese. The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is
accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three
most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.
Need I say more?"

[Boszi]

:rohog :rohog :rohog meno

[Spanky]

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.