jokes in english

[dfeco]

Harry walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says,
"we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow,
and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage,
moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give
you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Harry, "I knew I could count on you!"

[dfeco]

The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the
children's ward.
"Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward
for a week.
"I don't know what you mean," replied the second.
"It's simple," replied the first. "Were you sick when you came in here?
Or did they make you sick when you got here?"

[dfeco]

A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning
house and rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see- through nightie.
"Aha," said he, "you're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"
"But I'm not pregnant," the brunette indignantly exclaimed.
"You're not rescued yet either."

[dfeco]

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies,
"Same as I'm doing to his business."

[dfeco]

Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of
their pets.
"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great
Dane that used to play cards. He was great at poker,
but finally a friend complained about him and I had to
get rid of him."
"You got rid of him, a bright dog like that? A dog like that
would be worth a million dollars."
"Had to," he replied, "caught him using marked cards."

[dfeco]

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a
bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION
ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at
the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my
wife."
The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

[dfeco]

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host,
called his wife by many endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love,
Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice. After all
these years, you still call your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her
name years ago."

[dfeco]

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to
report her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a
description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy
hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and
is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4
inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your
children."
The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"

[dfeco]

A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for the bartender
to see him. The man next to him calls for the bartender saying, "I'll have
another waterloo."
The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink, then asks the newcomer what
he would like to drink. Wanting to try this new drink he says "I'll have a
waterloo too."
The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink. He takes a big drink and says
"HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says "Well, it is
water...right Lou?

[dfeco]

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased
an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.
"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage,
"when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery
my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"
"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car
would last longer than that."