Cats and other nuisances

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

by Peggy Althoff

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man - or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). 18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

Pretty nice stuff...Might come handy cos my cat is always fighting and it's full of bruises,like a Pit Bull.He had this wound right under his right eye than couldnt heal it self.I took the cat on vet and it was still there.Then this really peculiar thing happened.He was fighting with another can and while i was trying to defend my cat,he jumped and bit me...I instinctively hit him and his wound started to bleed neutralizing all the bacteria in the wound.He's now as good as new Weird stuff...Sometimes a coincidence worths more than reason...

LOL That was hilarious! I happen to be pretty good at "pilling" my cats (as the vet calls it). I read about this method in a book about training dogs. I hold the cat between my knees, open his mouth, put the pill on the tip of my index finger, and push it down his throat. Then I hold the cat's mouth closed and rub his throat to make it swallow. It works really well with cats who can be held at all.

yeah, this is awesome!

HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH YOUR PUPPY

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in garbage.
3. Remove puppy from garbage and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount and focus camera.
6. Go find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place pup in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after pup on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off pup with the other.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from pup's mouth and discard.
12. Throw out cat and put peroxide on scratch on pup's nose.
13. Put ashtray and magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get cute expression by squeaking toy over head.
15. Replace your glasses on your face and fish camera from under sofa.
16. Jump up in time to grap pup by scruff and say "no, outside".
17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
18. Fix double martini.
19. Sit back in lazyboy and resolve to teach pup 'sit-stay' first thing tomorrow.

CAT RULES
Rules for Cats to Live By

BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything.
Just sit and stare.

DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room.
To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.

Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an oriental rug.
If there is no oriental rug, shag is good.

When throwing up on the carpet,
make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.

HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.
This is called "helping,"otherwise known as "hampering."
Following are the rules for "hampering:"
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least.
Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible.
Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you.
Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances.
This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost.
Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and misses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them.

Humans love this, so do it often.

And don't forget guests!

Thanks for sharing