for chuckles

WOO HOO FOR SCIENCE!!!!

Blondie funny

Blondeis joke

Welfare Claims

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Departmentin applications for support of receiving payments.

<HR>



I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

http://www.badpets.net/Humor/Dumb/SillyWelfare.html

roni85 írta:

[FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]Everything You've Ever Wanted To Know About Canada, eh![/FONT]

Kattints a kibontásához...

Priceless!!!

For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers


An award should go to the Westjet gate attendant in Kelowna some 12

months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when

confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.



A crowded flight was cancelled after Westjet's 767s had been

Withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of

inconvenienced travellers.



Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped

His ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it

HAS to be FIRST CLASS".



The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help

you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to

work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so

That the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"



Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public

address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have your

attention please", she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the

terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE

IS.

If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."



With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man

glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"



Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) "I'm sorry,

sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

:lol:

Technologically Challenged


1. Compaq is considering changing the instruction "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.


2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packed in.


3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.


4. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to FAX anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to FAX a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor's screen and pressing the "Send" key.


5. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find the printer." The user said that he had also turned the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't see the printer.


6. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in she responded, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The foot pedal turned out to be the computer's mouse.


7. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant remove Disk 1 first.


8. True story from a Novell NetWire System Operator ... Caller "Hello is this tech support?" Tech: "Yes it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?" Caller: " Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, or at a trade show? How did you receive this cup holder? Does it have any trade mark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." (At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he was laughing too hard.) The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder.

wehehe

HI Boszi !

BELIEVE it or not;These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]Caller:I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]Dispatcher:Do you havean address?[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]Dispatcher! :9-1-1 What is your emergency?[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]Caller :Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich.[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]Dispatcher :Excuse me?[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]Caller :I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]Dispatcher :Was anything else taken?[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]Caller :No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it![FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]-->
<!--[endif]--> Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller:My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller:No, you idiot! This is her husband!

[FONT=&quot]And the winner is..........[/FONT]
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller:Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller:I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller:No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller:Running from the Police <o>></o>>

[FONT=&quot] <!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]-->
<!--[endif]-->[/FONT]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books,

"Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, With
the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.


Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99

Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read

Clinton :.... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton :. Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

Spanky írta:

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

Kattints a kibontásához...

Geeeez... :mrgreen:

Weird spelling



More weird spelling and grammar mistakes here:
http://news.uk.msn.com/illiterate_britain_two.aspx

Two ways of looking at everything.
<O</O
</O

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
<O</O

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

<O</O

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

:d:d:d

http://www.risingstarkaraoke.com/monday_test.html

:-D

Spanky írta:

http://www.risingstarkaraoke.com/monday_test.html

:-D

Kattints a kibontásához...

How is your love life now...?

In Jerusalem, an American female journalist heard about an old rabbi who
visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long
time.

In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he
is! She watches the bearded old man at prayer--and after about 45
minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, sir, how long have you been coming to the
Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 50 years", he informs her.
"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the
hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and
friendship."

"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall..."
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