Joke
- Téma inditó zolcsika
- Kezdés dátuma
My second chance to be wealthy
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
:d
A man had front row tickets behind home plate at the World Series, when another guy comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "Nope", he replied, "that seat is empty".
"Whoah! That's crazy!", said the guy. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series, the biggest day in all of baseball, and not even bother show up?"
Sadly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series we've missed since we got married in 1964."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. What a shame. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
"Nah," the man replies as he shakes his head, "they're all at the funeral."
"Whoah! That's crazy!", said the guy. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series, the biggest day in all of baseball, and not even bother show up?"
Sadly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series we've missed since we got married in 1964."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. What a shame. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
"Nah," the man replies as he shakes his head, "they're all at the funeral."
John's not a great golfer - in fact, he stinks. But he's always working on his game, trying to improve. One afternoon, after a typically crappy round of golf, John is interrupted by a police officer as he's throwing his clubs in the car. "Did you tee off on the 17th hole about 20 minutes ago?"
"Why, yes I did officer." John replied.
"Did you by any chance hook your ball over the trees to the left, out of bounds?" asked the officer.
"Yep, I believe I did." John answered. "How'd you know?"
"Well," said the officer in a very serious tone, "Your golf ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a car's windshield. The driver lost control, causing a 5 car pile-up and a small explosion. Three people went to the hospital with injuries. I'd like to know what you're going to do about it?"
John sat there, seemingly saddened by the devastation caused by his errant tee shot. After much though, the he responded...
"I think I'll aim more to the right, close up my stance, tighten my grip and roll my right thumb over a bit."
"Why, yes I did officer." John replied.
"Did you by any chance hook your ball over the trees to the left, out of bounds?" asked the officer.
"Yep, I believe I did." John answered. "How'd you know?"
"Well," said the officer in a very serious tone, "Your golf ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a car's windshield. The driver lost control, causing a 5 car pile-up and a small explosion. Three people went to the hospital with injuries. I'd like to know what you're going to do about it?"
John sat there, seemingly saddened by the devastation caused by his errant tee shot. After much though, the he responded...
"I think I'll aim more to the right, close up my stance, tighten my grip and roll my right thumb over a bit."
So this pirate walks into a bar, his old favorite - although he hasn't been there in a while. Immediately the bartender notices him and says "Haven't seen ya in a while, where ya been? You look terrible!"
"Huh?" said the pirate, "What do you mean?"
"Oy, you've got a wooden leg! What happened?" said the bartender.
"Well," said the pirate, "Our ship was in a fierce sea battle, and me leg got hit by a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"What about that hook? What happened to your hand?" again asked the bartender.
So the pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook... but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One fine day at sea a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in me damn eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was me first day with the hook."
"Huh?" said the pirate, "What do you mean?"
"Oy, you've got a wooden leg! What happened?" said the bartender.
"Well," said the pirate, "Our ship was in a fierce sea battle, and me leg got hit by a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"What about that hook? What happened to your hand?" again asked the bartender.
So the pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook... but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One fine day at sea a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in me damn eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was me first day with the hook."
Bill was playing golf one afternoon with his wife, Emma, and hit a nasty slice off the second tee - landing in an impossible lie in front of the greenkeeper's shed. Being helpful, his wife suggested "No need to take a penalty shot darling, just open both the front and back doors and push the tractor out. Then, you'll can hit hit it straight through the shed with a 3 iron."
"Brilliant idea darling!" and with that, Bill took a mighty whack at the ball, which struck the rear of the building - bouncing off and hitting his wife in the head, killing her stone dead.
A few years later, Bill was plahing the same hole with his new wife... and by sheer coincidence landed at the exact same place in front of the shed.
"No need to take a penalty shot," said his new wife, "we can push the tractor out and open both sets of doors. You can hit straight through the shed!"
"No way," he said. "Last time I tried that I ended up with a triple bogey!"
A few years later, Bill was plahing the same hole with his new wife... and by sheer coincidence landed at the exact same place in front of the shed.
"No need to take a penalty shot," said his new wife, "we can push the tractor out and open both sets of doors. You can hit straight through the shed!"
"No way," he said. "Last time I tried that I ended up with a triple bogey!"
H1N1 Virus (Swine Flu) Jokes
- Q: Did you hear about the guy who said he would get sick when pigs Fly.
A: The Swine Flu - Q: Did you here about the pig who went on the plane?
Response you might get: The swine flu (this can be the punch line unless they say it. if so then respond: Are you kidding it can't get on by itself; it needs a carrier). - I had a glass of merlot last night. I woke up this morning with a cough and a sniffle. I think it's wine flu.
- Someone once said that when a Black man becomes the president, pigs will fly. Sure enough 100 days later.. "swine flew (flu)".
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? This is a question that's been at the forefront of discussion amongst the most prestigious scholars and lawmakers of the world. Finally, after getting them all together - the question has been answered.
A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part shall be undertaken by the party of the first part to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part, notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil is observed by the party of the first part throughout.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes seperated from the party of the third part, also known as the 'receptacle', the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part, also known as 'new light bulb'. This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part becomes snug in the party of the third part and in fact becomes the party of the second part.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by said party of the first part, or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do sum the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.
A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes seperated from the party of the third part, also known as the 'receptacle', the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part, also known as 'new light bulb'. This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part becomes snug in the party of the third part and in fact becomes the party of the second part.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by said party of the first part, or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do sum the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.
Top 10 Sarcastic Dares
Sarcastically speaking, I dare you to do some of the things found on my top ten list.
10. Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.
9. Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, "in hundreds".
8. Call a political candidate's campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacAy.
7. Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die.
6. When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.)
5. Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan.
4. Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it.
3. Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified.
2. Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an "access fee" for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing.
And the #1 Sarcastic Dare...
1. Circulate a petition to put "intelligent human beings" on the endangered species list.
Sarcastically speaking, I dare you to do some of the things found on my top ten list.
10. Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.
9. Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, "in hundreds".8. Call a political candidate's campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacAy.
7. Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die.
6. When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.)
5. Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan.
4. Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it.
3. Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified.
2. Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an "access fee" for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing.
And the #1 Sarcastic Dare...
1. Circulate a petition to put "intelligent human beings" on the endangered species list.
INSTALLING SPRING...
███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE.
Install delayed....please wait.
Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Season not found.
Season "Spring" cannot be located. The season you are looking for might
have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable.
Please try again.
███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE.
Install delayed....please wait.
Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Season not found.
Season "Spring" cannot be located. The season you are looking for might
have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable.
Please try again.
Silvery997
Új tag
Very good, thank you perica6892
Új tag
Haha, great one!
Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?"
"You dern fool," said the 94 year old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."
"You dern fool," said the 94 year old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."
Only in America....can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our worthless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of 10 and hot dog buns in packages of 8.
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our worthless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of 10 and hot dog buns in packages of 8.
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.
'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
Hasonló témák
- naplopoka
- Vancouver és környéke
