# Joke



## zolcsika (2007 Június 4)

Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. office A nurse noticed his predicament.<O></O>Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."<O></OHe did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.<O</O]Each button was identified by letters: office:smarttags" /p<ST1lace ><?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com




WW</st1:City>, </ST1, PP, and a red one labeled <O</O
Who would know if he touched them?<O></O>[He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.<O></O>What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.<O></O>]Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.<O></O>When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure..<O></O The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.<O></O>[/When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.<O></O>Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.<O></O>What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I rem ember was pushing the ATR button.<O></O>"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."<O></O<O</O


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## BloodyPsycho (2007 Június 30)

He he ...

good one... i like it


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## Koroknay Bela (2007 Július 10)

There was a swim meet with a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.They were swimming breaststroke in their competition.The redhead came in first but was neck to neck with the brunette the whole race.The brunette came in second and the blonde came in last but when she got out of the pool she said:"No fair! You used your arms!"


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## Koroknay Bela (2007 Július 10)

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the
lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure, after the police leave," replied the lawyer.


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## Koroknay Bela (2007 Július 10)

Q: Why is a modem better than a woman? 
A: A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn't complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an instruction manual.


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## Lonestar (2007 Július 10)

- God! what is a million years for you?
- Oh, just a minute.
- And what is a million dollars for you?
- Only one penny!
-And can I have one penny?
- Of course! Wait a minute


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## Koroknay Bela (2007 Július 10)

Patient:I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? 
Doctor:You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient:What happened?
Doctor:Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? 
Patient:Well...The bad news first... 
Doctor:Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. 
Patient:That's terrible! What's the good news? 
Doctor:There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.


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## zolcsika (2007 Augusztus 2)

*Financial joke*

Be sure & cancel your credit cards before you die. 

This is so priceless and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. 

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it's somewhere around $60.00. 

A family member placed a call to Citibank: 

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January." 

Citibank: "The account was never closed, and the late fees and charges still apply." 

Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections." 

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been." 

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" 

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau--maybe both!" 

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" 

Citibank: "Excuse me?" 

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?" 

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor" 

Supervisor gets on the phone. 

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." 

Citibank: "The account was never closed, and the late fees and charges still apply." 

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" 

Citibank (stammer): "Are you her lawyer?" 

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given.) 

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" 

Family Member: "Sure." (The fax number is given.)

After they get the fax....

Citibank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help." 

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care." 

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." 

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?" 

Citibank: "That might help." 

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69." 

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" 

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on YOUR planet?" 

What fun it is dealing with "customer service!"


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## bassman (2007 Augusztus 2)

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"

WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."

BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."[/FONT]


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## bassman (2007 Augusztus 3)

- Excuse me! Can you tell me, where is the other side?
-It is over there, opposite us.
- I'll be crazy! I have been sent here from there.


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## zolcsika (2007 Szeptember 9)

*doctor*

 A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. 

As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?" 

"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." 
"Correct," says the doctor. 

He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer." 

"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?" 

"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."


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## slige (2010 November 5)

very funny all of you


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## sarahbzas (2010 December 6)

What kind of dance do you do on trampoline????
Re.: Hip-hop!


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## sarahbzas (2010 December 6)

Why was tigger looking inside the toilet?
Re.: He was looking for Phoo!!! ))


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## sarahbzas (2010 December 6)

What is Tarjan 's favourite Christmas carol?
Re.: Jungle Bells! ))


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## sarahbzas (2010 December 6)

What do we call frosty the snowman in spring?
Re.: A puddle!


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## sarahbzas (2010 December 6)

How do sheeps in spanish say Merry christmas ?
Re.: Fleece Navidad. ))


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## sarahbzas (2010 December 6)

What is the problem with twin witches?
Re.: You can never tell which witch is whitch! A! A!


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## sarahbzas (2010 December 6)

Why do witches need a computer?
Re.: They need a spell check!


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## Frank-FHI (2011 Január 5)

*AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659*
* <O</O*
<O</O
*A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.*<O</O
*She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.*<O</O
*She immediately moved to another seat.*<O</O
*This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.*<O</O
*The man seemed more amused.*<O</O
*When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,*<O</O
*She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.*<O</O
<O</O

*The case came up in court.*<O</O
*The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)*<O</O
*What he had to say for himself.*<O</O
<O</O

*The man replied,*<O</O
*'Well your Honor, it was like this:*<O</O
*When the lady got on the bus,*<O</O
*I couldn't help but notice her condition.*<O</O
*She sat down under a sign that said,*<O</O
*'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.*<O</O
*Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,*<O</O
*'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.*<O</O
*Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,*<O</O
*'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.*<O</O
*But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time*<O</O
*And sat under a sign that said,*<O</O
*'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'*<O</O
*... I just lost it.'*<O</O
<O</O

*'CASE DISMISSED!!'*<O</O
<O</O

*Now keep that smile on your face*<O</O


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

- Hello, boy! What's Your name?
- Spot.
- Hm, that's a strange name for a child...
- My parents wanted to have a doggy...


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

8 y.o. boy comes to the bar and asks to the barman:
- Sell me the bottle of whiskey.
- Wow! Do you drink this at so young age? - barman is wondered.
- No, that's for my 5 y. o. brother. He's waiting for me at the car outdoors. What about me, I don't drive car drunk...


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

There's a poodle (Po.) sitting on a balcony on the 9-th store of a house. Down at the yard there walks the pekingese (Pe.). That was the dialoigue:
Pe.: Hi, You, tufty, come on down to me and play!
Po.: No, snubby, I can't. I am locked at the flat...
Pe.: So what? Then jump down from the balcony! Are you afraid?
Po.: Don't make a fool of me! Do you wanna my muzzle to become the same as yours?!


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."
The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the сup before you drink."


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." "And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000." "Holy moly! What does that one do?" "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say".
The doctor says, "Next, please."


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

Dictionary of Musical Terms

JAZZ : Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes. BLUES : Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning. WORLD MUSIC : A dozen different types of percussion all going at once. OPERA : People singing when they should be talking. RAP : People talking when they should be singing. CLASSICAL : Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad. FOLK : Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century. BIG BAND : 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer. HEAVY METAL : Codpiece and chaps HOUSE MUSIC : OK as long as it's not the house next door.


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

To get away from the noise.


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

The Polar night. Two Eskimo men are dragging the sleigh with the heavy loads. And there're the dogs riding the sleigh, barking aloud and shoting to the sky with the guns. One Eskimo man says to other:
- And this was your own idea to treat the dogs with whiskey!


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, somebody puts a swimming cap on me!"


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing," he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital."


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

The mother says to her daughter, "Did you enjoy your first at school?"
The daughter answers, "First day? Do you mean I have to go back again tomorrow?"


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

A: -How big bees are in Texas! They aare cow-sized!
B: - And the door-hole in their bee-houses is like one for normal bees?
A: - Yes.
B: - And how that cow-sized bees get in or out?
A: - Squeak but climb!


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

Principal: "I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all of your teachers. What have you been doing?"
Johnny: "Nothing, sir."
Principal: "Exactly!"


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school. 

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

If you make four mistakes in spelling word «loaf»* it makes «beer»


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

Doppler effect is the change in frequency of a wave for an observer moving relative to the source of the wave. If object moves from observer the length of wave of light gets shorter, of object moves to observer the length of wave of light gets lengthener. How can we observe it?
When you drive at night you can see the white light from approaching cars and red light from cars going away.*
* If you don’t get it I can’t fix it. Sorry.


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

2 hours of chatting with mom. missing her so much…
3 hours of doing homework with son…
4 hours of explaining to wife how to change flat tire…
I’m so sick and tired waiting for freaking elevator maintenance to set me free…*


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## maxx-pekines (2011 Január 27)

- Yes, it’s true that all of us Belorussians, Russians, Ukrainians want to live in one big and rich state…
- … in Canada!


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## decko (2011 Január 31)

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. 
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" 

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. 

"It's not polite." 

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" 

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." 

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" 

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" 

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. 

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it." 

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." 

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out? 

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." 

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" 

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." 

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" 

"Because you got an F in sex."


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## decko (2011 Február 1)

Here's another.

If Ever You're Choking... 
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."


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## decko (2011 Február 1)

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude. 

Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked. 

She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace. 

For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said: 

"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again." 

Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"


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## decko (2011 Február 2)

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. 
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, 
some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. 
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in 
New York. 
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I 
suggested the kitchen. 
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread 
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to 
sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. 
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was 
water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, 
"In the lake." 
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost 
weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now! 
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the 
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"


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## decko (2011 Február 2)

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. 
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. 
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" 
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. 
"They're watch dogs!"


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## decko (2011 Február 3)

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff... 

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." 

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch and has been in my family for six generations." 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." 

The crowd become mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. 

"sh!t" exclaimed the hypnotist. 


It took three weeks to clean the seats in the theatre.


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## decko (2011 Február 4)

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? 
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.


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## decko (2011 Február 9)

Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? 
It swells at night


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## decko (2011 Február 10)

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her 
husband's car? 
She burned her lips on the tailpipe


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## decko (2011 Február 12)

*Seven Stages of Sex: *

*The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. *
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. 

*The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. *
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. 

*The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. *
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. 

*The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex *
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.' 

*The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, *
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very popular) 

*The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.* 
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. 

And; Last, but not least, 

*The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex, *
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self


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## decko (2011 Február 13)

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could
hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning,
just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked
the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"


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## decko (2011 Február 15)

Teacher: How do you spell "dog"?
Pupil: d, o, g, enter...


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## decko (2011 Február 16)

*Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don’t know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!*


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## decko (2011 Február 17)

*Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"*


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## decko (2011 Február 17)

When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."


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## decko (2011 Február 18)

*A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No!" says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"*


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## decko (2011 Február 18)

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling:
"Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said: "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out: "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"


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## decko (2011 Február 19)

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."


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## decko (2011 Február 21)

Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his
back-pack. The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says:
"What in the world are you doing?"
He replies: "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says: "Are you crazy? We both know you can't outrun a full-grown grizzly bear."
The first guy says: "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"


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## decko (2011 Február 21)

*Sterility is hereditary: If your grandfather didn't have children and your father didn't have children, you won't have children too. <O</O*


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## decko (2011 Február 23)

-When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire...


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## nagybela2 (2011 Március 1)

What is the longest word in the English language? 
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!


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## nagybela2 (2011 Március 1)

*Distance*

What is the longest word in the English language? 
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!


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## nagybela2 (2011 Március 1)

*My second chance to be wealthy*

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."


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## agata_2000 (2011 Április 5)

:d


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## agata_2000 (2011 Április 5)

A man had front row tickets behind home plate at the World Series, when another guy comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "Nope", he replied, "that seat is empty".
"Whoah! That's crazy!", said the guy. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series, the biggest day in all of baseball, and not even bother show up?"
Sadly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series we've missed since we got married in 1964."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. What a shame. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
"Nah," the man replies as he shakes his head, "they're all at the funeral."


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## agata_2000 (2011 Április 5)

John's not a great golfer - in fact, he stinks. But he's always working on his game, trying to improve. One afternoon, after a typically crappy round of golf, John is interrupted by a police officer as he's throwing his clubs in the car. "Did you tee off on the 17th hole about 20 minutes ago?"
"Why, yes I did officer." John replied.
"Did you by any chance hook your ball over the trees to the left, out of bounds?" asked the officer.
"Yep, I believe I did." John answered. "How'd you know?"
"Well," said the officer in a very serious tone, "Your golf ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a car's windshield. The driver lost control, causing a 5 car pile-up and a small explosion. Three people went to the hospital with injuries. I'd like to know what you're going to do about it?"
John sat there, seemingly saddened by the devastation caused by his errant tee shot. After much though, the he responded...
"I think I'll aim more to the right, close up my stance, tighten my grip and roll my right thumb over a bit."


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## agata_2000 (2011 Április 5)

So this pirate walks into a bar, his old favorite - although he hasn't been there in a while. Immediately the bartender notices him and says "Haven't seen ya in a while, where ya been? You look terrible!"
"Huh?" said the pirate, "What do you mean?"
"Oy, you've got a wooden leg! What happened?" said the bartender.
"Well," said the pirate, "Our ship was in a fierce sea battle, and me leg got hit by a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"What about that hook? What happened to your hand?" again asked the bartender.
So the pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook... but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One fine day at sea a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in me damn eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was me first day with the hook."


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## agata_2000 (2011 Április 5)

Bill was playing golf one afternoon with his wife, Emma, and hit a nasty slice off the second tee - landing in an impossible lie in front of the greenkeeper's shed. Being helpful, his wife suggested "No need to take a penalty shot darling, just open both the front and back doors and push the tractor out. Then, you'll can hit hit it straight through the shed with a 3 iron."




"Brilliant idea darling!" and with that, Bill took a mighty whack at the ball, which struck the rear of the building - bouncing off and hitting his wife in the head, killing her stone dead.
A few years later, Bill was plahing the same hole with his new wife... and by sheer coincidence landed at the exact same place in front of the shed.
"No need to take a penalty shot," said his new wife, "we can push the tractor out and open both sets of doors. You can hit straight through the shed!"
"No way," he said. "Last time I tried that I ended up with a triple bogey!"


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## agata_2000 (2011 Április 5)

*H1N1 Virus (Swine Flu) Jokes*







Q: Did you hear about the guy who said he would get sick when pigs Fly.
_A: The Swine Flu_
Q: Did you here about the pig who went on the plane?
_Response you might get: The swine flu (this can be the punch line unless they say it. if so then respond: Are you kidding it can't get on by itself; it needs a carrier)._
I had a glass of merlot last night. I woke up this morning with a cough and a sniffle. I think it's wine flu.
Someone once said that when a Black man becomes the president, pigs will fly. Sure enough 100 days later.. "swine flew (flu)".


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## agata_2000 (2011 Április 5)

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? This is a question that's been at the forefront of discussion amongst the most prestigious scholars and lawmakers of the world. Finally, after getting them all together - the question has been answered.
A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:



1. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part shall be undertaken by the party of the first part to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part, notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil is observed by the party of the first part throughout.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes seperated from the party of the third part, also known as the 'receptacle', the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part, also known as 'new light bulb'. This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part becomes snug in the party of the third part and in fact becomes the party of the second part.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by said party of the first part, or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do sum the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.


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## agata_2000 (2011 Április 5)

*Top 10 Sarcastic Dares*



_Sarcastically_ speaking, I dare you to do some of the things found on my top ten list.
10. Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.


9. Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, "in hundreds".
8. Call a political candidate's campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacAy.
7. Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die.
6. When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.)
5. Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan.
4. Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it.
3. Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified.
2. Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an "access fee" for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing.
*And the #1 Sarcastic Dare...*
1. Circulate a petition to put "intelligent human beings" on the endangered species list.


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## Arnyek2011 (2011 Május 7)

INSTALLING SPRING... 

███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE.





Install delayed....please wait.


Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Season not found.

Season "Spring" cannot be located. The season you are looking for might

have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable.

Please try again.


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## Silvery997 (2011 Július 11)

Arnyek2011 írta:


> INSTALLING SPRING...
> 
> ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░44% DONE.
> 
> ...



LOL  Very good, thank you  (and true)


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## nikya84 (2011 Augusztus 5)




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## UsDie (2011 Augusztus 14)

That is a topic, only for the english jokes?: )


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## nikya84 (2011 Augusztus 29)

nikya84 írta:


>


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## perica6892 (2011 Október 15)

Haha, great one!


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## appaloosa (2011 November 5)

Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?"
"You dern fool," said the 94 year old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."


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## appaloosa (2011 November 5)

Only in America....can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our worthless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of 10 and hot dog buns in packages of 8.


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## appaloosa (2011 November 5)

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day. 
'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' 
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'


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## appaloosa (2011 November 5)

Just before thanksgiving Jim and Eddie are out hunting for turkeys when Jim keel's over and collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. Eddie gets out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. 
He gasps, 'My friend Jim is dead! What can I do?' The operator says, 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 
Back on the phone, the Eddie says, 'OK, now what?'


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## FLOUFUN (2012 Február 3)

Lots of laughs


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## gefster (2012 Február 4)

Hehe, like it


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## darkquail (2017 Január 14)

The married couple sits with food. He pushes over his plate to the dog.

"But Otto", she believes reproachfully, "nevertheless, you probably do not want to give your food to the dog?"

"No", he hums crustily, "only exchange!"


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## darkquail (2017 Január 14)

God spoke: "It becomes a light!"

Chuck Norris answered: "Say please!"


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