for chuckles

Boszi

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Ramblings of a Retired Mind -

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that
everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door
opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't
like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have
something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is
falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you
got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an
emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the
mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
 

Spanky

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A guy goes into a sex shop and asks for a rubber doll. The guy behind
the counter says "Normal or Muslim?".
"What's the difference?" asks the
customer.
"The Muslim one blows itself up."
 

Spanky

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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what's the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Mom, would you sleep with
Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I
would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you
kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad
Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you
know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars ............ but, Realistically ......... we're living
with two sluts and a queer.
 

saga

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A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the
>>Olympic Gold medal. Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer
>>came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on
>>this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he
>>has, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does,
>>you're finished!"
>>
>>The Newfie nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started, the Newfie and
>>the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
>>
>>All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Newfie and
>>wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment
>>arose
>>from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew
>>all was lost.
>>
>>He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
>>
>>Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer
>>raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
>>His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top
>>of
>>him making the pin and winning the match.
>>
>>The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone he
>>asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it
>>before!"
>>
>>The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
>>that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of
>>testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last
>>ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as
>>hard
>>as I could."
>>
>>"So," the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
>>
>>"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
>>nuts."
 

Ditta

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[
>>
>>"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
>>nuts."
[post=144127]Quoted post[/post]​
[/quote]

This is a good one meno meno
 

Boszi

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Subject: Even God enjoys a laugh!


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time..
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was one at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures

But the most compelling evidence of all: three proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

;)
 

Spanky

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Guess her cup size

[attachmentid=8947]


OK what did you guess?








The truth revealed........Scroll down












[attachmentid=8947]
 

saga

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The female pharmacist

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she
and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable
discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that
she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he
could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of
professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I
have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe
embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month
living expenses."
 

Spanky

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An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working
cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, on tractors, and
feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian.

I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the
morning, I think about women. When I shower, think about women. When I
watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old
cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
 

Ditta

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How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that
come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and
rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and
run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog
 
Oldal tetejére