Joke

maxx-pekines

Állandó Tag
Állandó Tag
8 y.o. boy comes to the bar and asks to the barman:
- Sell me the bottle of whiskey.
- Wow! Do you drink this at so young age? - barman is wondered.
- No, that's for my 5 y. o. brother. He's waiting for me at the car outdoors. What about me, I don't drive car drunk...
 

maxx-pekines

Állandó Tag
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There's a poodle (Po.) sitting on a balcony on the 9-th store of a house. Down at the yard there walks the pekingese (Pe.). That was the dialoigue:
Pe.: Hi, You, tufty, come on down to me and play!
Po.: No, snubby, I can't. I am locked at the flat...
Pe.: So what? Then jump down from the balcony! Are you afraid?
Po.: Don't make a fool of me! Do you wanna my muzzle to become the same as yours?!
 

maxx-pekines

Állandó Tag
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The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."
The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the сup before you drink."
 

maxx-pekines

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A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." "And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000." "Holy moly! What does that one do?" "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
 

maxx-pekines

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The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say".
The doctor says, "Next, please."
 

maxx-pekines

Állandó Tag
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Dictionary of Musical Terms

JAZZ : Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes. BLUES : Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning. WORLD MUSIC : A dozen different types of percussion all going at once. OPERA : People singing when they should be talking. RAP : People talking when they should be singing. CLASSICAL : Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad. FOLK : Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century. BIG BAND : 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer. HEAVY METAL : Codpiece and chaps HOUSE MUSIC : OK as long as it's not the house next door.
 

maxx-pekines

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The Polar night. Two Eskimo men are dragging the sleigh with the heavy loads. And there're the dogs riding the sleigh, barking aloud and shoting to the sky with the guns. One Eskimo man says to other:
- And this was your own idea to treat the dogs with whiskey!
 

maxx-pekines

Állandó Tag
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Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, somebody puts a swimming cap on me!"
 

maxx-pekines

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A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing," he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital."
 

maxx-pekines

Állandó Tag
Állandó Tag
The mother says to her daughter, "Did you enjoy your first at school?"
The daughter answers, "First day? Do you mean I have to go back again tomorrow?"
 

maxx-pekines

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Állandó Tag
A: -How big bees are in Texas! They aare cow-sized!
B: - And the door-hole in their bee-houses is like one for normal bees?
A: - Yes.
B: - And how that cow-sized bees get in or out?
A: - Squeak but climb!
 

maxx-pekines

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Állandó Tag
Principal: "I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all of your teachers. What have you been doing?"
Johnny: "Nothing, sir."
Principal: "Exactly!"
 

maxx-pekines

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Állandó Tag
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
 

maxx-pekines

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Doppler effect is the change in frequency of a wave for an observer moving relative to the source of the wave. If object moves from observer the length of wave of light gets shorter, of object moves to observer the length of wave of light gets lengthener. How can we observe it?
When you drive at night you can see the white light from approaching cars and red light from cars going away.*
* If you don’t get it I can’t fix it. Sorry.
 

maxx-pekines

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2 hours of chatting with mom. missing her so much…
3 hours of doing homework with son…
4 hours of explaining to wife how to change flat tire…
I’m so sick and tired waiting for freaking elevator maintenance to set me free…*
 

maxx-pekines

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- Yes, it’s true that all of us Belorussians, Russians, Ukrainians want to live in one big and rich state…
- … in Canada!
 

decko

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A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."
 
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